Oh The Trials and Tribulations of New Technologies

I got a new iPhone 7 this week and opened it up yesterday to get it all set up.  We generally buy Apple products because they're so easy to set up.  Well not this time.  All I had was a plastic instruction page written in silver that was impossible to read without strong light and a magnifying glass.  Ok, found the on/off switch, turned it on, attempted to make a call.  Of course not.  So I then attempted to go online, it refused to recognize my password.
At this point I called Apple.  The 12 year old who answered attempted a few things to reboot it and then decided maybe, even though it was a brand new phone it need some updates so he had me go to iTunes on my computer, hook my phone to the computer  and look for updates.  There were some, but did the 12 year old tell me how long this would take?  Of course not.  So through the 40 minutes it was downloading he tried some other stuff and then suggested I call my carrier, ATT to make sure my SIM card was activated.  He set up a case for me, assured me that someone would call me back and I hung up.
I called my local ATT store, but they told me to call the main ATT, which I did.  The man there, the first adult I'd talked to at this point, wanted me to take the SIM card out----WHAT?  Checking with the internet and getting Mac, we got the little bugger out, but the man at ATT said the system didn't recognize the number on the card.  He said I'd have to take it into my local ATT store.  I thanked him and hung up.
Apple actually called me back and there was a slightly older than 12 young lady on the phone who tried to help me.  She showed me how to allow her to see my computer screen.  Even with her looking at it she couldn't help.  At this point I did some yelling and screaming for which, when I calmed down, I apologized for.
She set me up with an appointment for today at noon, a tech would call me, sort the problem or have me mail the phone back.  I agreed.
I fixed lunch, mumbling to Mac the whole time and then last night I fiddled with it some more and low and behold it agreed to make and receive calls.  But still no internet.
This morning I figured out the internet problem and was able to go online.  YEAH  for the old folks.
Still wouldn't get my mail though.
So first I called ATT and talked to a youngster  there to make sure my old phone was deactivated and the other activated, after reading from his manual he assured me it was ok.  And then because we have an overseas trip coming up I priced minutes for that, he had that info in his manual too.
Then I called my local internet provider to find out why I couldn't access my email from my phone.  I spent 10 minutes going round and round with another young lady who finally said, " You mean you don't want to set up an email account?"  I about crawled through the phone, I just wanted to access my existing account from my new phone.  Oh, well she couldn't help with that, the email, though provided by them, was a 3rd party company, and so not their problem.  I hung up.
I have a plan, but it will have to wait until tomorrow, I'm all through dealing with children this weekend.
But by the way, Apple did call me back today, they had all the notes on my case, and were able to help me access iTunes.